long-winded rant:

i am disgusted at the current state of my life. complete and utter disgust. i cannot handle all of these things i laid out in front of me. i have the worst imaginable schedule this spring. “oh, it’s only your second year?” yeah, fuck you, too. how much would you like doing research in four out of five classes simultaneously? i’d say not very much. i can’t find time to read all of the assigned readings and for once in my life, i actually need to read for class. somehow, i need to fit in an end-of-semester trip to new england. i may not have to worry about financing the trip but how am i to find time in all of the class work i have piled up? where was i ever taught time management?

i am officially the most socially awkward being to grace this planet. i don’t think i could make a friend if it meant my life. if i didn’t have everyone i was close to in high school, i would amount to a whopping 6 friends; that is on a good day.  i just want someone to go get coffee with me weekly. someone to talk to me about music, since my boyfriend thinks it’s an obsession of mine that’s out of the picture. i want a friend to just chill with that doesn’t know everything about me already. but i can’t even build foundations for those kind of relationships. i went from being a shut-in, afraid of the world to spilling out my life story in under two hours. i never realized i had the ability to scare people away after meeting them once. 

since i’ve gone back to what my life used to be, all my free time is spent finding ways to see live music. i don’t care if it’s always the same few local bands at venues farther away than i should drive too. i don’t care if i support locals just because i think local music scenes are important. i don’t care how fucking cliche i am in that. but it’s all i care about. the altar bar and mr. small’s have taken so much of my money and now i’m spending it to support underground bands that tour through the area. i don’t see the difference, but i know i’m basically alone in that one. maybe james is right, maybe i am obsessed. but at least music is real. and it causes me to feel things that no one i have ever met has been able to. i’ve heard lyrics that instantly bring tears to my eyes. alternatively, i’ve been able to find the words to explain how horrible the state of humanity has become. obsessed or not, that’s not for me to decide. 

where this would normally just turn into me bitching about finding someone that cares about music as much as i do, this isn’t that point. nor will there be one. i am trapped in a college curriculum that not only takes time away from my boyfriend but from having genuine conversation with people about things other than classes. i don’t talk to anyone anymore without bitching about how swamped i am with work. yeah, it’s hypocritical that i’m ranting on tumblr if i have so much stuff to get done. but truth be told, i started reading another chapter in my book about prohibition and i had to stop before i punched my desk with my head. 

i don’t even really know the point of this anymore. i want new friends that appreciate music. i want my boyfriend to stop judging the efforts i put forth because of music. i want to be able to talk to people i just met about things other than my stupid classes. when did this amazing year turn into the biggest shit fest? when did all of my confidence leave me? why do i care?